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syduck98
#1

on Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:01 pm

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Ezlo
Ezlo
I've never written a fanfic before, and am not a write, so this might be... Garbage. Note this takes place a little after treeko and Chimchar find the red stone shortly after leaving the camp ( on the expedition to find the hidden lake ). Also, remember that chimchar was the one originally a human.

"Hey, I think i can see someone up ahead!" Said Treecko. The two walked closer, to see corphish next to a statue. "Hey Hey! Look what i stumbled upon!" Blurted out corphish. "Hey whats this" Chimchar pointed out to Treecko. " It looks like something is inscribed here". "Hmm. Let me see if i can read it... Reignite the life that burns within Groudon... Then the sky shall blaze with the sun's heat...The path to the treasure shall be revealed" Said Treecko. "Reignite the life that burns within Groudon..." Chimchar repeated to himself several times. "Could the treasure be fogbound lake? And it could be right where we are corphish standing!" Chimchar and treeko circled around the statue, trying to solve the mystery. "Hey hey! Look over here!" yelled " theres a small space in the statues chest!". Chimchar jumped back, and pulled the gem he found earlier out of the treasure bag. Chimchar places the stone into the space in the statue "what are you doing!?" yelled Treecko. Suddenly, the eyes of the statue lit up, and the ground began to shake! Suddenly, the three explorers were blinded by a flash of light, and the fog dispersed. Chimchar began to shake. "L-l-look! over there!" Chimchar stuttered as he pointed to the giant 'island' floating atop a small, thin mountain. "That must be fogbound lake!" exclaimed!

The crew traveled to the bottom of the mountain, until they found an entrance. "Corphish, go tell the rest of the guild about our discovery, me and Chimchar will climb to the top". Corphish nodded, and made his way back to the camp site.

After what seemed like hours of climbing, the two explorers came to a clearing. "Is this fogbound lake?" Said Treecko. The ground suddenly began to shake, and a deep voice claimed "Leave this place. Now!" Treecko and Chimchar jumped back, startled. Suddenly, a massive pokemon appeared. " I AM GROUDON, GUARDIAN OF FOGBOUND LAKE. LEAVE AT ONCE, OR FACE MY WRATH" Yelled groudon. " We don't want a fight" yelled Treecko. " You should have thought about that before trespassing on this land. PREPARE YOURSELF!" Groudon suddenly leaped and slashed at treeko. The sun shone brightly, and surely a battle was about to commence. Groudon threw another slash and treeko, whom was numb from shock. Chimchar dove infront of him and took the blow, sent flying across the clearing. Treeko, veins filled with lava, charged at groudon. He nailed groudon in the face with a leaf blade and landed behind it. Groudon struck back several times, nailing the ground and making huge craters in the ground. Suddenly, the little island perched at the top of the mountain began to shake. It was collapsing! The island tipped over, falling down back to the ground. Treecko lost sight of Chimchar, and was filled with rage. Treeko became to glow, and groudon appeared to be panicing. "This. Ends.NOW!" Yelled Treecko, as he fired a solarbeam directly at groudon. Suddenly, groudon seemed to vanish, and everything went back to place. A pokemon appeared, and used its psychic powers to fix the damage done by the battle. This pokemon was Uxie, the actual guardian of fogbound lake. Treecko was still trembling from the battle, and was loading with questions for the mystical pokemon.


Well, this could be continued. Its really bad, so i doubt it unless anyone else wants more...



Last edited by syduck98 on Sun Apr 08, 2012 4:04 am; edited 1 time in total

Skochko
#2

on Sat Apr 07, 2012 10:25 pm

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Well, I'm going to be very critical here, since it's the only way you can improve. I've noticed a ton of grammar mistakes. It's really not fun to read if I keep looking for errors. All Pokemon names should be capitalized. I know they are names of species, but you are referring to single characters here, who are most likely named that way.
You have many punctuation signs missing. Some are present, but out of place.
In some cases, you have used the wrong Tense. If you chose Past Simple, you should stick with it when describing action.

Chimchar places the stone into the space in the statue "what are you doing!?" yelled treeko.

Should be:

Chimchar placed the stone into the space in the statue. "What are you doing!?", yelled Treecko.

Yes, it's Treecko, not Treeko.

There were some parts I couldn't understand, like this: "Groudon threw another slash and treeko, whom was numb from shock.".

The other thing I've noticed is that the dialog is pretty shallow. The beginning is pretty much: "Hey, look here", "Oh, look there"... You should put more thought into them, so they don't turn out to be dull.
Lastly, I kind of felt like it lacked a prologue or just an introduction story. Saying "This takes place a little after treeko and chimchar find the red stone shortly after leaving the camp" does not really help people who know nothing about the story in PMD.

The good side is that the story itself is not bad. You say it's "really bad", while the only turnoff for me is bad grammar. Fix that and I'll keep on reading.


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syduck98
#3

on Sun Apr 08, 2012 3:59 am

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Ezlo
Ezlo
The only reason its bad grammer is because it was late at night, and I dont prefer perfect grammer on the computer. Oh, and the "numb from shock" thing. Treecko had been so startled and scared that he didn't even move.



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