The E3 that Never Was
Once upon a time, there
was a time where E3 never happened. Just kidding ok. So Microsoft went up on
stage and declared “We’re going to be original now! No more Halo! No more COD!
No wait that was activision oh wait IM STILL TALKING TROLOLO! No more XBOX 360
fan boys! *guns cock in the distance* NO MORE WINDOWS VISTA!” The crowd cheered
as Microsoft stood still for silence. “And no…more…KINECT!” And Microsoft took
the kinect and ripped it in fives as the crowd roared in approval and went into
a feeding frenzy. They were being cannibals by the way, Shia Labeouf and stuff
you know. Then Sony went up and was like “WE AREN’T RIPPING OFF SMASH BROS
ANYMORE!” The crowd tehn went into another feeding frenzy before being
interrupted again as Sony announced the PlayStation 5000. Then, because of
being interrupted and cause of the PlayStation 5000, they ate Sony. So Sony
died that day the people were happy. Ubisoft became Ubihard, EA Games became EE
Games, and Activision set themselves on fire as a sacrificial sacrifice to the
Mayan gods. However they didn’t exist so the crowd ate them for lunch instead.
Mmmmmm, toasty. Quizno’s, eat COD. And by cod I mean the fish ok. The next day,
Nintendo was supposed to go on. However, Sega suddenly appeared and announced
their new console, the DreamWeaverCastFoxNews, with their new mascot, Sonic the
Bill O’Reily Show. The crowd roared with praise and crowned Sega their new
alien overlords. Sega was carried away into their new throne room as Miyamoto
scuddled on stage. He stood there, stared by the hungry audience for more vydio
gaems.
Vydio games.
Vydio games.
Vydio games.
Vydio games.
The crowd chanted,
drooling and foaming at the mouths. Miyamoto finally smiled, and from his
pocket he pulled out not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7, not 7
again, not 9, not 10, not 11, not (200000000 times later) not 200001234914, but
200001234915 Pikmin 3 game copies and threw them into the crowd. Zman was the
first to jump and squeal like a girl and when he caught the game he didn’t fall
down, but fell up. In fact, everyone who got the game fell up cause it was an
anti gravity case revealing Nintendo’s new console, the Nintendo Steam. Gabe
Newell waddled on stage and delayed Episode 3 by -205 years, meaning it came
out 50 years ago. Everyone cheered cause this meant a time machine was
invented, but it didn’t. It just meant that Episode 3 was finally on stores the
next day, cause it would be the 50th year anniversary of Episode 3
being released. Duh, stupid bakas. So like M. Bison walked down the street and
found that Ryu was talking trash about him in their secret underground illegal
pillow fights. Sure, Ryu was the best pillow fighter in the world, but it
didn’t mean he was the best taste tester. Bison bested him at that, but he got
annoyed a lot cause Sagat would often taunt him, offering him Cornflakes all
the time cause that’s how Bison won the lost competition of tasting food and
stuff. Cause cornflakes is a DELICACY IN
THIS WORLD OK GOSH STOP CRITICIZING WHAT LITTLE LOGIC I HAVE GEEZ.
So yeah. That was this
year’s E3 in a nutshell, oh wait a second I left out the part where Animal
Crossing was also announced for a release in the fall, along with B/W2, Luigi’s
Mansion 2, Paper Mario 3DS, a new good Star Fox game, a new 2D Metroid in the
form of Fusion, a new Metroid Prime 4 by Retro Companies, a new Legend of Zelda
better than Skyward Sword to appeal the CL clones that were produced in the
mass production of Rodrigo Cobocruzstilwell. And finally, but not least,
definitely not least, Sakurai teleported onto the stage at the very last second
and announced his immortality, meaning the infinite creation of Smash Bros for
future generations. Sega was thusly kicked out into the queens room, and became
Nintendo’s bitch. Sony and Microsoft died by the way, just saying.
Oh, and Cave Story was
announced to be the best game in the history of vydio gaems.
THE FREAKING END
HATATERS
